So Sunday night BIG Rich Texas premiered and because EVERYTHING comes on Sunday I wasn't able to watch it until yesterday. I don't even know where to begin with this glorious train wreck of a show. Think of every amazing, trashy, ridiculous, over the top thing that the Real Housewives franchise has to offer and multiply it by 2 then add a southern accent and you get this show. The show is set in "Dallas high society" (I use the quotes because I'm not entirely sure such a thing exists) and follows 4 mothers and daughters and all the drama in their lives. The cast consists of the following...
Recently divorced Connie and her 15 year old daughter Grace.
Connie's cousin Leslie and her goddaughter Kaylin who just moved to Dallas and are trying to make it in Dallas society.
Pam and Hannah, who you might remember from Dallas Daughters and Divas. Pam basically runs shit! From what I remember about her from the other show she's SUPER rich and her hubby is hot! She also runs the country club and is pretty much HBIC.
Single mom Melissa and her daughter Maddie. They kind of just seem like fillers to me but we shall see.
Bonnie and Whitney bring me such joy! They're basically the badasses who don't give a f*ck about anything! Here's a shocker though, Bonnie has a PhD and is a scientist! Who knew!!
Now that we've met the cast let's get to a tiny recap of the show. I would suggest everyone watch at least one episode just for kicks. The show is ridiculous and I'm pretty sure it shall do nothing for Dallas' reputation but it is quite comical. The first episode is pretty much all about Leslie trying to get two people to sponsor her bid at the country club. Apparently you need two people to sponsor you and then have an interview and then pay tons of money and I guess they accept you. I was unclear on the specifics but that seemed to be the gist.
The entire episode is pretty much Pam bitching about Bonnie and Whitney, Leslie trying to get people to sponsor her, Maddie handing out condoms to Grace at a dinner party, and Bonnie and her daughter bitching about Pam. Don't you love how everything comes back around full circle? Haha. This show follows the same premise of all The Real Housewives shows where it's pretty much 10 minutes of something happening and 35minutes of talking about that thing. The incident this episode was the exposure of Whitney's C*NT tattoo on her foot. Yeah, you read that right, she has c*nt tattooed on her foot. Apparently she thought this was funny and it's her favorite tattoo, classy girl. Anyway, Pam sees the tattoo, throws a big ole southern fit, and actually has the bylaws at the country club changed to say you can't have profanity on you (told you, HBIC). After much begging and pleading and finally bribery via lip injections, Bonnie is able to convince Whitney to have the tattoo removed.
NO really, she's seriously a scientist!
After the tattoo removal we cut to the party Connie is throwing to try and introduce Leslie to other country club folks. One side note about the party, I saw two black people there!!! I was completely convinced there were none at the country club! Now that I think about it, Style probably just paid them as extras for the party. I'm pretty sure there are still no black people at this country club. *now back to our regularly scheduled programming* Anyway, at the party two AMAZING things happen 1. Connie discovers that Maddie gave Grace condoms and 2. Pam and Bonnie throwdown!!!!
Here's the back-story on the condom situation, allegedly (if you believe this story Maddie is telling), she went to the doctor for bad cramps and the doctor gave her birth control and a bag full of condoms. Now we all know that birth control is most definitely a cure for cramps but a bag full of condoms is not. Also, I have never in my life gone to any doctor (and I'm 26, this ho is 15!) and been given a bag full of condoms so something about that story is sketchy. Anyway, after getting her bag of cramp remedies (ha!) Maddie begins getting ready for the party with Grace. She shares with Grace that the doctor gave her all these great pain relievers for cramps(oh perhaps the orgasm is a great remedy for cramps?! OK, OK, I'll stop!) and decides to give some to Grace. Grace is all "sure Maddie! I'd love some pain relievers!" and we have an awkward moment where two teenagers are in a bathroom playing with condoms. Yeah,you read that right, PLAYING WITH CONDOMS. Cut to the party when Connie grabs Grace's bag and discovers the condoms and goes nutso! Hahaah. It was pretty funny how upset she got and also completely inappropriate given the setting.
Poor Maddie was just trying to share her new method for dealing with cramps with a friend!
Oh and no clue who this black dude is with Maddie but since there are no black people on the show I figured I'd throw one in this post.
After Condomgate 2011 we get to the really great part, the fight between Pam and Bonnie. Bonnie and Whitney were minding their own business and getting drunk at the party when Pam comes over and throws her 2 cents in! Why Pam, lover of all things prim and proper, thought this was a good idea I'll never know but the hilarity that ensued was priceless. I'll sum up the fight with this epic exchange below...
Pam- "Well I would never let my daughter get my nickname tattooed on her foot! (This in reference to the C U Next Tuesday tattooed on Whitney's foot. For those of you that are slow Pam is basically calling Bonnie a c*nt)
Bonnie-"ACTUALLY, my daughter DOES have YOUR nickname on her foot!
Pam-"Oh really!?!?!"
At this point the entire party has become hip to the fact that these hos are crazy and providing drama so everyone is watching. A couple more digs are thrown and then the head of the country club comes over and basically tells these bitches to cool it. Once he does this Pam stomps off and Bonnie launches into a rant about how she's hotter than Pam, oh how I love these hos. Bonnie then offers to sponsor Leslie and the show ends with Pam warning Connie to keep an eye on Leslie because she doesn't approve of this friendship with Bonnie.
While I'd like to be all indignant about the way this show is making Dallas look bad and refuse to watch it, I can't do it! I loved this nonsense. BIG Rich Texas is Real Housewives of OC + Dallas + Laguna Beach + "everything is bigger in TX" + Jersey Shore type nonsense + too much money + Dr. 90210, all mixed together to create = TV gold. I did learn one thing from the show though, never, ever; judge a fake breast, too tan, ditzy, book by its cover! I seriously still can't believe Bonnie is a scientist. I am a bit concerned that people shall think that Dallas is nothing more than vapid, bored, rich, spoiled, blonde, big haired, fake breasted, too tanned girls. Oh wait, it kind of is...
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